My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
