You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
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I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
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seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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