You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
