I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
