Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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