I'll bet she douches with gravy.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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