I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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