i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Randomize
