I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
