Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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