Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize