He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
