tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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