There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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