So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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