when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
