she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
