I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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