I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
