I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize