she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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