Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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