By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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