I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
