so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
