Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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