Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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