just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
are you so shy because you have an std?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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