I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
