I cannot find my penis.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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