Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
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I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
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Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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