God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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