Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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