Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
