My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
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No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
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Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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