dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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