We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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