Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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