Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
40s are totally the cure
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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