WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
