is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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