your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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