Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
Who died my cat blue again?