"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
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Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
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I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!