I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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