It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
