Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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