Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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