I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
