Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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