So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
