A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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