I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Please, let me fuck your mom
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
