i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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