two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
