i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
